| we just kept our heads up, while burning holes in the ground with our eyes. |
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| creeping society out |
[November 25 2009 | 01:09 PM] |
last night, maryam, raquel and i went to claremont for maryam's birthday. there was this event thing happening at this place called the hip kitty lounge? there were a lot of people there. evan and his brother were there and that was awesome. um. we had vodka and i hadn't had vodka in a while and sorta forgot how it tastes like nothing sometimes and i might've had more than i wanted to drink.
daedelus played and it was actually fucking awesome. we were all dancing up front and i got to dance with evan and i love that kid so much. then we went outside. this boy kept on looking at me and smiling, whenever i walked past him. so finally, he waved and i went up to him and said, "hi, i'm isabelle." he was all, "i know. we've met before. i'm elias." i have no idea who he is. and then another time, this guy walked past me and said "hi." i said hi and continued. later, he came up to me and then i realized it was my old friend noel. all of a sudden, i was like, "NOEL!" and he said, "you just realized after talking to me for this long?" haha.
later, i was sitting and this girl behind me tapped me and said hi. i didn't know her, but we found out we both were in the same grade and went to ayala? weird. he friend, mike, kept talking to me. the girl, rachel, said, "this lady needs a drink." so mike made me follow him to the bar and asked me what i wanted to drink. i told him i didn't want him to buy me anything, but he insisted. so i said, "the cheapeast thing on this menu." but it was all $5, so i got a newcastle. it was very sweet of mike.
then somehow, i ended talking to this row of boys with glasses. i knew one of them, sorta. jon from halloween swim team. he came up to me at the mall a loooong time ago and said he knew me from myspace. hahaha
so we talked, and then i talked to his other friends, who all had glasses, too. i decided to put on my glasses and someone took a picture of us. then jon and i started talking with our glasses. i came up with this thing where we moved the end of our glasses up and down so our glasses wiggled. when we did that, it meant grilled cheese. so we were all, "hey, you want some wiggle wiggle?" and we kept doing that to people. it was fun.
then somehow, these two boys end up fucking following us back to my house, because i guess maryam had invited them. one of them was one of the boys with glasses. the other boy was this boy named renee who looked like a mix of vincent gallo and devendra banhart.
um it got late and everyone had passed out, but renee and i kept talking. then something happened and he put his hand on mine, when we were sitting at the dinner table. i looked at him and said, "i bet you don't know my name." he retorted with the same accusation. i said, "it's renee. i'm isabelle." i wasn't attracted to him at all, but i stayed up with him all night til morning because i felt bad for some reason. i don't even know. so i didn't sleep and then had to go to school.
this morning, greg called me. he was in the hospital because of head trauma (he fell or something. he has NO idea.) and alcohol poisoning. he said he woke up naked, strapped to a hospital bed and had no recollection of anything. apparently, he was "combatant" and resisting the hospital people or something and he had to get his clothes cut off him. but he was in good spirits and i kinda feel sad that this happened. he got a huge wound on his head. man. this kid.
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[November 22 2009 | 03:43 AM] |
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greg just told me he's "kinda in love with me." oh, fuck off.
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| isabelle, you fucktard. |
[November 22 2009 | 03:14 AM] |
i'm so over greg. honestly.
it's not because of all the things he warned me about, either.
i don't give a shit if he's technically homeless, or
that he's an alcoholic/excessive drunk.
that he got his driver's license taken away.
that he doesn't have a job.
that he's apparently "crazy."
that he's obsessive and calls me 30 times a day and sends me text after text.
that he's 25 and doesn't do shit.
no. it's because he's a stupid ass mother fucking boy who doesn't understand how to be considerate. he doesn't listen. he doesn't ever remember that my dad lives in brazil half the time and doesn't ever actually listen to me.
oh, also: YOU DON'T TELL THE GIRL YOU LIKE THAT YOU THINK OTHER GIRLS ARE HOT. i'm sorry. you don't. maybe you don't mean anything by it, but it doesn't make a girl feel good. especially if you keep talking about how hot you think her friend is, but "no worries. i still like you better." OH FUCK OFF. "oh can i borrow a dollar even though i owe you 6 dollars?" no, you fucking dick. i dated a bum for a few months and he never borrowed money from me. he fucking DEALT WITH IT. he had the dignity to not ask.
it sucks. i realize that i liked him, only minimally. at first, i was really smitten, because it was new and he liked me and thought i was cool and smart and beautiful. but it was just the newness and excitement and anticipation of experiencing newness and forgetting what i wanted to. it's awful of me, but i know i sort of drowned myself in it all to forget the person i wanted to forget. i got sick of greg's compliments. they didn't mean anything to me. i got sick of hearing "i don't know why you don't like me." i didn't know, either. greg was funny and witty and bitter and weird, and i was attracted to that. but after hanging out with him the other night, i realized i don't actually like him. he doesn't listen, he talks too much shit, he relies too much on others, and he doesn't say "thank you" enough. also, he hates animal collective. i'm sorry. i can't deal with that.
fuck. i'm drunk. greg annoyed the fuck out of me at this party, so maryam and i ditched him. then we drove around long beach and shit, and then went home and i binged on fries and threw up because i was too full and drunk. and then greg starts telling me about how maryam gave him a boner. ARE YOU SERIOUS? i know she's hot and beautiful. you can think that all you want, but you just don't TELL a girl that. right? or am i being over dramatic? how the fuck is that supposed to make me feel? jerk ass fuck face.
and then he asks me to be his girlfriend. oh go die in a fire. that's not how it works.
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| best coast |
[November 11 2009 | 03:54 PM] |
pick up the phone
i wanna talk
about how i miss you
i miss you so much
hop on a plane
come back and see me
i promise i won't be such a brat
i promise i won't be such a brat
if i promise you anything, i promise you that
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| symphony of belated empathy |
[October 20 2009 | 09:43 PM] |
did my smoking ritual outside for an hour in the evening. i chain smoked 8 cigarettes in my backyard, cradling myself in 2 patio chairs i fashioned into a crib. i listened to songs that make me cry, songs that make me feel like floating, songs that make me want to get up and scream. i listened to elliott smith and avey tare&kria brekkan, which i usually avoid because their music is heart wrenching. and i daydreamed a whole lot. i did this until i felt lightheaded- i had watched the sky turn from twilight to midnight blue.
i went grocery shopping with dotty, later. i bought pads and cotton balls. i love grocery shopping with dotty.
a while ago, feeling overwhelmingly underwhelmed, i took a few sips of whiskey. and although the same things are still flooding my mind, they are more muddled and vague, and i feel alright, for now.
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| things i did/didn't do |
[October 19 2009 | 11:44 PM] |
♠ i consciously skipped history class and let myself sleep for nearly 12 hours, something i never do. i have the highest grade, anyway, and class consists of just sitting there, having the teacher ask people answers to the homework, and MAYBE getting called by the teacher once to answer a question. MAYBE. sometimes, i just sit there and stare off for an hour and 20 minutes, never having to say a word even once. i can get away with just staring off and daydreaming about whatever i want. and the whole time, the idiot behind me will make very obvious, stupid remarks. the teacher might say "the king died when he was 76." kid behind me will say something like, "he died because he was old!" HOLY FUCK NO SHIT YOU TIT MUFFIN.
♠ my oldest sister, irene, took me and dotty out to lunch at this thai cuisine place called banana bay. i had vegetable yellow curry and it was bland. irene said my face got thinner. whatevs.
♠ went back home and lied in bed nearly the whole day because i have cramps and it's a bit chilly in my echo-y house.
♠ read up on some ancient chinese secrets. just kidding. i read some ancient chinese poetry, from the book, "one hundred poems from the chinese." i've been really interested in chinese tragedies, lately. love stories, operas, heartbreaking poems. this one poetess, chu shu chen, fucking killed me with her stuff. for example:
ALONE
I raise the curtains and go out
To watch the moon. Leaning on the
Balcony, I breathe the evening
Wind from the west, heavy with the
Odors of decaying Autumn.
The rose jade of the river
Blends with the green jade of the void.
Hidden in the grass a cricket chirps.
Hidden in the sky storks cry out.
I turn over and over in
My heart the memories of
Other days. Tonight as always
There is no one to share my thoughts.
This sounds totally unimpressive in English, but I like the content, can totally relate, and I bet it sounds much more poetic and heartbreaking in Chinese.
♠ went to the supermarket and cried near the avocados while the song, "stand by me" had just started playing. the song kills me enough, but the avocados threw me over the edge.
♠ talked to josh davis on the phone for a good while and i felt better afterwards, because he's important and awesome.
♠ brushed my hair and liked how it felt silky. (i haven't truly brushed my hair in a long time. i'll comb it after showers, but that's all.)
♠ tried to get myself back into baking, but started crying when i looked through my recipe book.
I BETTER GET MY PERIOD SOON, BECAUSE MY EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING WILD.
♥ i didn't have a single cigarette, today. i know i'm not dependent.
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| thoughts while thinking |
[October 14 2009 | 10:55 PM] |
he drove down here, tonight, since he hadn't seen me in a few weeks. he said he liked me in a beanie. i told him my hair was just dirty. we sat outside on the bricks in front of my house, and i liked the way the street lights reflected off the damp streets. it was pretty chilly, but he was just wearing this worn out, white Clash t-shirt. i had grabbed a thin blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders. we talked a bit and then we just got quiet. i didn't feel it was awkward, or anything. it was nice sitting outside in the cold, smoking a cigarette, staring off. stomach pains would shoot into me every once in a while and i'd laugh in reaction. he asked if i was okay and i told him that sometimes, it was a physical reflex to laugh when i got weird pains, since it would sort of relieve it. a man walked by with this medium sized golden retriever and i said "hello."
then he asked me, "what's wrong?"
"what do you mean?" i asked. it was a strange and somewhat startling question.
"you just act like you barely know me."
i shrugged.
then he turned nearly 90 degrees towards me and stared at me in a strange way. it was somewhat of a glare, but it was also as if he was concentrating very hard.
"what are you doing?"
"i'm trying to will you to miss me," he said.
i laughed and i leaned in and gave him a hug, wrapping my blanket around him at the same time.
"i'm sorry. things are changing for no reason, but i miss you all the time," i told him.
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