we just kept our heads up, while burning holes in the ground with our eyes.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:27:52 GMT

i was at the supermarket when i overheard this girl tell her friend, "i woke up this morning with socks on. i guess my boyfriend put them on for me because he knew they were cold."

i didn't have anything in my basket, yet, so i set it on the floor and tried walking out of the place as fast, but as casual, as possible. but still, i managed to start bawling before i made it out.

i don't know why i'm always crying at supermarkets. maybe it's the lonely atmosphere that makes me so sensitive.

"i didn't do much over the weekend...oh! my friend took me to play frisbee golf. now i'm addicted."

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:39:23 GMT

on the morning i woke up weird, i went to government class. a few weeks ago, i made friends with this shy, awkward boy who sketches a lot in his notebook. i sat next to him, on purpose, and slid over and asked to see his drawings. his name's donald. he blinks a lot. on the morning i woke up weird was the last day of class, before the day of finals. after class, he waited for me. normally, i like talking to him. but that day, i felt weird and wanted to get out as soon as possible. he said, "i can't believe it's the last day of class. we probably won't see each other on finals because the room will be so crowded." i felt sad, but i couldn't really express or do anything. i told him, "yeah. i know." he lingered. i told him i still had the link to his deviantart and that i'd check up on it to look at his art because i liked it. and i just left. i felt dead and tired.

today was finals and i really didn't see him. i felt sad as i left the class. he was a nice boy. he blinked a lot. when he blinked, he'd shut his eyes real hard, occasionally, as if he had just gotten lemon juice into his eyes. i probably won't see him around campus, ever.

i'm going to email him and ask him to play frisbee golf, because he says he recently got into it. i don't know how to play, though. i hope if i do this, he doesn't think i like him. i never used to think wanting to befriend someone would mean that you wanted them, but lately, i've learned wrong. but donald is so awkward, i don't think he'd think that.

creeping society out

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:09:10 GMT

last night, maryam, raquel and i went to claremont for maryam's birthday. there was this event thing happening at this place called the hip kitty lounge? there were a lot of people there. evan and his brother were there and that was awesome. um. we had vodka and i hadn't had vodka in a while and sorta forgot how it tastes like nothing sometimes and i might've had more than i wanted to drink.

daedelus played and it was actually fucking awesome. we were all dancing up front and i got to dance with evan and i love that kid so much. then we went outside. this boy kept on looking at me and smiling, whenever i walked past him. so finally, he waved and i went up to him and said, "hi, i'm isabelle." he was all, "i know. we've met before. i'm elias." i have no idea who he is. and then another time, this guy walked past me and said "hi." i said hi and continued. later, he came up to me and then i realized it was my old friend noel. all of a sudden, i was like, "NOEL!" and he said, "you just realized after talking to me for this long?" haha.

later, i was sitting and this girl behind me tapped me and said hi. i didn't know her, but we found out we both were in the same grade and went to ayala? weird. he friend, mike, kept talking to me. the girl, rachel, said, "this lady needs a drink." so mike made me follow him to the bar and asked me what i wanted to drink. i told him i didn't want him to buy me anything, but he insisted. so i said, "the cheapeast thing on this menu." but it was all $5, so i got a newcastle. it was very sweet of mike.

then somehow, i ended talking to this row of boys with glasses. i knew one of them, sorta. jon from halloween swim team. he came up to me at the mall a loooong time ago and said he knew me from myspace. hahaha

so we talked, and then i talked to his other friends, who all had glasses, too. i decided to put on my glasses and someone took a picture of us. then jon and i started talking with our glasses. i came up with this thing where we moved the end of our glasses up and down so our glasses wiggled. when we did that, it meant grilled cheese. so we were all, "hey, you want some wiggle wiggle?" and we kept doing that to people. it was fun.

then somehow, these two boys end up fucking following us back to my house, because i guess maryam had invited them. one of them was one of the boys with glasses. the other boy was this boy named renee who looked like a mix of vincent gallo and devendra banhart.

um it got late and everyone had passed out, but renee and i kept talking. then something happened and he put his hand on mine, when we were sitting at the dinner table. i looked at him and said, "i bet you don't know my name." he retorted with the same accusation. i said, "it's renee. i'm isabelle." i wasn't attracted to him at all, but i stayed up with him all night til morning because i felt bad for some reason. i don't even know. so i didn't sleep and then had to go to school.

this morning, greg called me. he was in the hospital because of head trauma (he fell or something. he has NO idea.) and alcohol poisoning. he said he woke up naked, strapped to a hospital bed and had no recollection of anything. apparently, he was "combatant" and resisting the hospital people or something and he had to get his clothes cut off him. but he was in good spirits and i kinda feel sad that this happened. he got a huge wound on his head. man. this kid.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:43:16 GMT

greg just told me he's "kinda in love with me." oh, fuck off.

isabelle, you fucktard.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:14:06 GMT

i'm so over greg. honestly.
it's not because of all the things he warned me about, either.
i don't give a shit if he's technically homeless, or
that he's an alcoholic/excessive drunk.
that he got his driver's license taken away.
that he doesn't have a job.
that he's apparently "crazy."
that he's obsessive and calls me 30 times a day and sends me text after text.
that he's 25 and doesn't do shit.

no. it's because he's a stupid ass mother fucking boy who doesn't understand how to be considerate. he doesn't listen. he doesn't ever remember that my dad lives in brazil half the time and doesn't ever actually listen to me.

oh, also: YOU DON'T TELL THE GIRL YOU LIKE THAT YOU THINK OTHER GIRLS ARE HOT. i'm sorry. you don't. maybe you don't mean anything by it, but it doesn't make a girl feel good. especially if you keep talking about how hot you think her friend is, but "no worries. i still like you better." OH FUCK OFF. "oh can i borrow a dollar even though i owe you 6 dollars?" no, you fucking dick. i dated a bum for a few months and he never borrowed money from me. he fucking DEALT WITH IT. he had the dignity to not ask.

it sucks. i realize that i liked him, only minimally. at first, i was really smitten, because it was new and he liked me and thought i was cool and smart and beautiful. but it was just the newness and excitement and anticipation of experiencing newness and forgetting what i wanted to. it's awful of me, but i know i sort of drowned myself in it all to forget the person i wanted to forget. i got sick of greg's compliments. they didn't mean anything to me. i got sick of hearing "i don't know why you don't like me." i didn't know, either. greg was funny and witty and bitter and weird, and i was attracted to that. but after hanging out with him the other night, i realized i don't actually like him. he doesn't listen, he talks too much shit, he relies too much on others, and he doesn't say "thank you" enough. also, he hates animal collective. i'm sorry. i can't deal with that.

fuck. i'm drunk. greg annoyed the fuck out of me at this party, so maryam and i ditched him. then we drove around long beach and shit, and then went home and i binged on fries and threw up because i was too full and drunk. and then greg starts telling me about how maryam gave him a boner. ARE YOU SERIOUS? i know she's hot and beautiful. you can think that all you want, but you just don't TELL a girl that. right? or am i being over dramatic? how the fuck is that supposed to make me feel? jerk ass fuck face.

and then he asks me to be his girlfriend. oh go die in a fire. that's not how it works.

Thursday, I don't care about you.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:12:19 GMT

"My heart's racing for our Thursday night adventure."

He's killing me.

best coast

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:55:54 GMT

pick up the phone
i wanna talk
about how i miss you
i miss you so much

hop on a plane
come back and see me
i promise i won't be such a brat

i promise i won't be such a brat
if i promise you anything, i promise you that

symphony of belated empathy

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:51:39 GMT

did my smoking ritual outside for an hour in the evening. i chain smoked 8 cigarettes in my backyard, cradling myself in 2 patio chairs i fashioned into a crib. i listened to songs that make me cry, songs that make me feel like floating, songs that make me want to get up and scream. i listened to elliott smith and avey tare&kria brekkan, which i usually avoid because their music is heart wrenching. and i daydreamed a whole lot. i did this until i felt lightheaded- i had watched the sky turn from twilight to midnight blue.

i went grocery shopping with dotty, later. i bought pads and cotton balls. i love grocery shopping with dotty.

a while ago, feeling overwhelmingly underwhelmed, i took a few sips of whiskey. and although the same things are still flooding my mind, they are more muddled and vague, and i feel alright, for now.

things i did/didn't do

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:01:28 GMT

♠ i consciously skipped history class and let myself sleep for nearly 12 hours, something i never do. i have the highest grade, anyway, and class consists of just sitting there, having the teacher ask people answers to the homework, and MAYBE getting called by the teacher once to answer a question. MAYBE. sometimes, i just sit there and stare off for an hour and 20 minutes, never having to say a word even once. i can get away with just staring off and daydreaming about whatever i want. and the whole time, the idiot behind me will make very obvious, stupid remarks. the teacher might say "the king died when he was 76." kid behind me will say something like, "he died because he was old!" HOLY FUCK NO SHIT YOU TIT MUFFIN.

♠ my oldest sister, irene, took me and dotty out to lunch at this thai cuisine place called banana bay. i had vegetable yellow curry and it was bland. irene said my face got thinner. whatevs.

♠ went back home and lied in bed nearly the whole day because i have cramps and it's a bit chilly in my echo-y house.

♠ read up on some ancient chinese secrets. just kidding. i read some ancient chinese poetry, from the book, "one hundred poems from the chinese." i've been really interested in chinese tragedies, lately. love stories, operas, heartbreaking poems. this one poetess, chu shu chen, fucking killed me with her stuff. for example:

ALONE

I raise the curtains and go out
To watch the moon. Leaning on the
Balcony, I breathe the evening
Wind from the west, heavy with the
Odors of decaying Autumn.
The rose jade of the river
Blends with the green jade of the void.
Hidden in the grass a cricket chirps.
Hidden in the sky storks cry out.
I turn over and over in
My heart the memories of
Other days. Tonight as always
There is no one to share my thoughts.

This sounds totally unimpressive in English, but I like the content, can totally relate, and I bet it sounds much more poetic and heartbreaking in Chinese.

♠ went to the supermarket and cried near the avocados while the song, "stand by me" had just started playing. the song kills me enough, but the avocados threw me over the edge.

♠ talked to josh davis on the phone for a good while and i felt better afterwards, because he's important and awesome.

♠ brushed my hair and liked how it felt silky. (i haven't truly brushed my hair in a long time. i'll comb it after showers, but that's all.)

♠ tried to get myself back into baking, but started crying when i looked through my recipe book.

I BETTER GET MY PERIOD SOON, BECAUSE MY EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING WILD.

♥ i didn't have a single cigarette, today. i know i'm not dependent.

thoughts while thinking

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 06:14:14 GMT

he drove down here, tonight, since he hadn't seen me in a few weeks. he said he liked me in a beanie. i told him my hair was just dirty. we sat outside on the bricks in front of my house, and i liked the way the street lights reflected off the damp streets. it was pretty chilly, but he was just wearing this worn out, white Clash t-shirt. i had grabbed a thin blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders. we talked a bit and then we just got quiet. i didn't feel it was awkward, or anything. it was nice sitting outside in the cold, smoking a cigarette, staring off. stomach pains would shoot into me every once in a while and i'd laugh in reaction. he asked if i was okay and i told him that sometimes, it was a physical reflex to laugh when i got weird pains, since it would sort of relieve it. a man walked by with this medium sized golden retriever and i said "hello."

then he asked me, "what's wrong?"
"what do you mean?" i asked. it was a strange and somewhat startling question.
"you just act like you barely know me."
i shrugged.

then he turned nearly 90 degrees towards me and stared at me in a strange way. it was somewhat of a glare, but it was also as if he was concentrating very hard.

"what are you doing?"
"i'm trying to will you to miss me," he said.
i laughed and i leaned in and gave him a hug, wrapping my blanket around him at the same time.
"i'm sorry. things are changing for no reason, but i miss you all the time," i told him.

why do all the birds hate me?

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:39:13 GMT

i WANT to want to eat, but i have no appetite as of late. i wake up with sharp stomach pains, that are probably hunger pains, that force me into a fetal position. when i try to quell them with a piece of toast, i feel as if my stomach might explode. every day, i finish nearly a half gallon of water, because sips of water are the only things that pinch the pain away for a bit.
in the middle of some nights, i'll finally feel my appetite coming back. but i'm too scared to go out into the dark of my empty house, down my eerie stairs, into my cold kitchen. so i decide to save my appetite for the next morning. i think about what i might have: blackened toast with peanut butter, a salad bowl of cap'n crunch, a soy vanilla smoothie, the top of a blueberry muffin. but by the next morning, my appetite has buried itself somewhere unknown and i'm left wanting to want to eat.

i don't want to go out, anymore. i can't connect with many people and people are so fucking egotistical or monotone, it drives me crazy. WHY IS EVERYONE SO IN LOVE WITH THEMSELVES OR IS A BOOP-BEEP-BOOP ROBOT??!?!

driving in the rain makes me miss olympia, even though i know i would not be happier there. mostly, i miss the people there. the memories kill me, even more so, lately.

a few nights ago, i had a dream in which i came home to my studio apartment in olympia and a boy i loved and one of my best friends were cuddling in my bed. they are laughing and i run out and leap off the balcony and turn into rain, which is a lot like the story of the little mermaid. except, she turns into seafoam.

god. i hate people so badly. i want to punch everyone in my history and government class in face. i zone out and curse people in my head and make trivial lists and read a novel and write letters for the majority of each class, and i still have the highest grade in both. i'm really not trying to brag, because these classes are just reading and listening. i was the only one who got an A on my last government exam out of 167 people. all that class is is mindless note taking and just reading the fucking notes a few times a few days before and you're fucking done. FUCKING PEOPLE DIE YOU ARE SO ANNOYING AND DUMB AND USELESS.
just kidding. don't die. just slip in the rain in your cankle UGH boots things. i fucking hate fall fashion.

i am trying to break your heart

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:39:48 GMT

i've decided to start reading books i read years ago, just to see how much i've changed.
i read a clockwork orange and felt really happy afterwards. i don't think i reacted much to the ending when i read it in high school. but this time, it made me hopeful, but also in a sad, "everyone has to settle" way.

i'm now reading the wind-up bird chronicle and i find myself cringing and blushing at the sexuality of it, even though i was a virgin when i first read it and should've been more embarrassed, then. also, toru and kumiko's relationship, as depicted in the beginning, hit really close to home. but it was comforting to read and relate.

i've been getting these books from my school library, because i gave my copy of wind-up bird to evan in a pen pal package, and i lent a clockwork orange to a friend who never gave it back. i've also just been reading these books at the library because i didn't get my id card until just today, actually. and oh god, it's an awful picture. my hair is astray and i'm giving my evil smile that think is friendly until i look at my picture. the library is very disappointing. very limited and they only have the more popular books.

i'm also reading catch-22 at the same time. it's taken me forever to get back to it after taiwan, but i like it a lot.

there is the most irritating boy who sits behind my in history. we have assigned seating in that class, so i can't escape him. he tries to be this know it all. he'll mutter answers under his breath. or spew out random facts to show that he's this real swell history buff and whatnot. but he'll repeat things he says because he never says it loud enough for anyone to hear or give two shits. you know, when people give their punchline twice, and then look around to see if anyone got it the 2nd time? JESUS. but then when the teacher asks him a question from the worksheet we're to complete before each class session, he doesn't know the fucking answer. in fact, he usually gets the answers completely wrong. he has never gotten an answer right, actually. like "who had the right to reform in whichever government?" he doesn't do his homework, for some reason, and goes, "uh.. the people?" the answer is actually specifically, "the people had no control over the reforms. only the ruler could initiate reform." and then for the rest of the class, he continues to mutter answers or stupid facts like, "oh, mary pompodour. yeah, she died at.. i'd say, 41?" some bullshit fact that is irrelevant and insignicant. or he'll talk about how crazy a certain king was, how many mistresses, that a woman tsar is known as a tsarina (we all fucking know that, dick face). but he'd say that only loud enough for me and maybe the guy behind him to hear, since no one sits next to him or us. or he'll raise his hand and spew out some know it all knowledge, when it's actually the answer to the next fucking question, thinking everyone will be impressed but we had just all read it in the book. it's really bewildering, actually! this know it all asshole really bothers me, because he's pompous and pretentious about it and is always kicking my chair. i bet he's even touching his fucking chin in a pondering like pretentious manner whenever he spews out this shit.

in other news, my dad bought me and dotty each a michael jackson musical box. people in china are taking it pretty hard and are also taking advantage of those taking it hard.

i hate it

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:04:16 GMT

i think you're cute. i think you're sweet. but you don't make me shy or blush. this doesn't feel new and i don't get the urge to steal glances at you.

why can't i feel excited about new people? why can't i crush the way i used to?

second street revival

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 17:02:51 GMT

last night, dotty and i went to downtown pomona's artwalk. the last time i was around there was with david r., and it was a dead and awkward night. tonight, it was extremely lively. the aquabats were also playing at the glasshouse, which is right where everything happens. jeez. we met up with john and i ran into edward and some other high school friends/people. i saw tiffany, the girl i went to chinese class with. it was actually very fun. i hadn't really been around there when things were happening in about 3 years. we went to art galleries and got free wine and beer. john and i took advantage of that. it's weird to hang out with john. i think he's really cool and we get along, but i think we didn't like each other in high school. although we talked about music and we were both into the local music scene, he was kind of a jerk because he was strictly into punk and i liked the the anniversary and the promise ring, which they called "emo." he and his friends HATED emo. he also hated my friends. i think they were known as the bitchy girl punks hahaha

anyway, i saw david v., my former boyfriend. i didn't know it was him, but dotty pointed it out. everyone knows him as "psycho." he stood near us, but i just didn't want to talk to him, because he probably would've criticized my drinking or smoking and would've said something about john. it took a lot to avoid eye contact, though. he kept on getting sort of in front of me. he's kind of a coward, actually. whenever he sees me, he never says hi. i don't want to say hi and stroke his ego. but i thought about coming up to him from behind later on to scare him, but i didn't. after i went home, he sent me a text message saying, "i saw you at art walk. i was gonna say hi but you were around all your little friends. you've grown up to be very beautiful and elegant, little lady. thanks for saying hi to me." how fucking condescending is that? i guess i hadn't seen him in about 2 years, and i had grown. but he's still immature as ever. he's 26/27/24? (he lies about his age, along with everything else) years old and he's still being a condescending, pretentious asshole.

i only want to see you good, again.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 00:34:09 GMT

i had gotten too drunk, of course. you took me to your room and tucked me into your bed. you sat next to me, over the blanket, and it felt really respectful. i told you that you didn't have to stay with me and that you should go back to the party, but you said you wanted to stay. "i don't think i'll be sleeping for a while, though," i explained. you said it was perfectly fine. suddenly, you got up and went to your bookshelf. you studied it for a while and then pulled out a story book i don't remember. it looked old and brown and you smiled as you sat back with me. you started reading and i sunk down more into the bed. i don't remember the book at all. how it started, whether it was a narrative, if it was about animals or humans. i just remember that i couldn't take the fact that you were reading to me. and i was so drunk and i didn't want you to stop reading, but i also didn't want you to see or hear me cry, so i just sunk lower and lower into the bed, eventually snuggled my face under your comforter so you couldn't see my eyes, and pretended i had fallen asleep.

eating with the back of our hands

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 05:56:37 GMT

i want to sum up my summer. i don't think anyone really reads this, but i don't really write for anyone, anymore. i just get bored and like typing into this little box.

this summer, i...

-wrote dozens of emotional/rambling/"existential" letters, half of which i actually sent to the people i wrote them to
-had two and a half very innocent summer flings that barely moved me
-went to a lot of amazing house shows
-cried a lot about the past
-cried a lot about the future
-drank too much all the time, and it's no longer that fun
-made no new friends
-fell asleep drunk in a lot of random places
-went to san francisco and got to see people i love
-reaffirmed my hate for most people- they're too obvious, petty and unconcerned
-spent too much time holed up in steve's house
-ran into people i'd prefer not to have way too many times
-didn't get to see most of the people i would've liked to see
-got my heart played with
-got stupid
-stayed stuck
-realized it's over
-met an amazing person, but i wasn't ready yet and he never will be
-started to daydream, again

"you look cool with a backpack, izzy."

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 06:04:40 GMT

i just got back from enduring the most awkward night of my life. david, this boy i used to know in high school, asked to hang out. he was awkward, shy, liked punk and smiled a lot, and i used to have a slight crush on him. very slight. it wasn't even a serious one. i liked that i wasn't so shy around him, and that he laughed at my jokes. he randomly disappeared one day and i found out he was going to continuation school or something. his friend later told me that david really liked me, but i never knew.

anyway, we met decided to go to downtown pomona to see if anything was happening. the only thing that was going on was a MARILYN MANSON concert at the newly revived Fox theater. we just walked around and he asked me the most mundane questions. "do you have any pets?" "what's your favorite color?" "have you seen any movies lately?" "have you talked to so and so?" "what's your horoscope?" god.

it was so awkward that i talked a lot, just so he wouldn't ask me another boring ass question. he's a sweet guy, but very socially awkward. we didn't have a conversation. he wasn't interested or excited when i told him about things. he doesn't know how to pretend. when i asked him questions, he'd give me one word answers. i asked him if he wanted to pursue music more, and he said, "oh, uh. no."

we were walking around the streets and he said, "you look cool with a backpack, izzy" and touched the back of my backpack. i didn't think anything of it and thanked him. then he put his hand on my backpack, again and left it there for a while. i pretended i didn't notice his hand lingering there, and i said, "oh, look. a cat!" and stepped forward, even though there was no fucking cat. it was just the first thing that came to my head. i asked if he wanted to go back and listen to marilyn manson from outside the theater. we got to hear "dope show" and then he took me home.

surprisingly, there weren't many marilyn manson-y people around.

"and then i held your hand... like this..."

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 17:53:04 GMT

i felt sick the whole day, yesterday. at night, i didn't want to go out, and i took a benadryl, to alleviate my itchiness and for the drowsy effects. anyway, at around 10:45, i went to sleep. right away, i slipped into dream after dream. they were all vivid, and interactive and personal. unfortunately, in all of them, he was with me. i hadn't had a dream about him in a while, but here was was, back in my dream. anyway, i then woke up when someone called my phone. i ignored it and looked at the time. it was only 11:21. it kind of blew my mind that i had so many dreams and it seemed as if i had been sleeping for hours, but it had only been about half an hour.

brain stroking into the sea

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:33:38 GMT

we should've kept things the way we ended them. i'm really sorry. i took a walk in your small town this morning, before you woke up. i saw old people and wondered if they watched you grow up. i wondered if they had stories about you when you were younger. your mom seems to like me and i like her. it makes me sad that she seems so eager for me to be there, though. i wish i could tell her gently that i can't do anything for you or for her. i won't be the one to "break" into your world, as much as i want to. i'm sorry for coming back when you ask me to. i know i should be stronger about this. i know i should be able to tell myself, "it'll just make things harder" when you say you want to talk. not everyone can revert back to friendship. especially not us. i'm sorry that you think you're incapable. i really don't think you are. i've been doing my research and there's hope. i really think so. and i'm sorry for saying his name so much. i don't mean to. but really, all this does is prove that we should've kept things the way we ended them.

make me swoon, be the big spoon

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 22:22:59 GMT

so i started school on monday. i wanted to take 4 classes, but was only able to get into 2. i petitioned 4 different other classes, and they were all full. it's all really quite awful. i go monday-thursday and each day, i only attend one class. i don't know if it's worth it. i want to try switching into a monday and wednesday government class after my history class, so i can just go on mondays and wednesdays.

on monday night, i went over to kamell's cousin's house because he needed exras to be in his film. it was supposed to be a party scene. it turned out to be a shitty high school reunion, with mostly the guys that thought they were hot shit and now have shitty tattoos. anyway, i had intended on just blending into the background, but somehow, jenny (an old high school friend with whom i got into punk rock with) and i ended up having closeups, with me miming jerking off a guy and then violently cutting off his member and throw it on the floor. it was something that harley came up with randomly and i was drunk enough to do it. david rios, my old crush, was there. he's still just as shy, just as smiley and just as sweet. he was also coaxed into doing something awkward and out of character for the sake of kamell and his film.. he had to put on lipgloss creepily and giggle.

kevin lizarraga also went. we used to be best friends. we used to be so close. but things never worked out because he wanted to be more than friends and i didn't. we got into a car crash and things were never the same afterwards. but he came and we sat in my car and drank whiskey and talked for a long time, until robert came and told us that they needed us for shooting.

anyway, i'm feeling alright about things. it's nice to have things to do and actually wake up for something important.

do you want... pamp cakes?

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 01:19:44 GMT

it happened when it got to 4 am and everyone had left. he told me i could stay if i wanted. i really didn't want to drive home, being that i was about to fall asleep any minute. i crashed on his couch, even though he had offered to take it himself, insisting i sleep in his bed. in the morning, i was woken up by him tapping me on the shoulder. i opened my eyes and saw him standing in his pajama pants. he had some freckles on his chest and lots of freckles on his bony shoulders. it was really cute. i was shy.
"sorry to wake you... but do you want... pamp cakes?"
i laughed and asked "pamp cakes?"
"yes," he smiled, "pamp cakes!"
he was standing over me with that goofy grin and i was still lying down, looking up at him.
this was the boy who shared his lunch with me in the 1st grade when i forgot mine! the boy who traded in chocolate milk for white milk for me! the boy whose hand i would reject when he tried holding mine!

"alright. yes, please."

we ate the pancakes on the couch. i just had one and it was actually really good. weirdly shaped and slightly crispy and even kind of burnt, but good. we watched spongebob squarepants while eating these pancakes, since it was the closest thing to a saturday morning cartoon. he laughed a lot and i laughed because he laughed. at one point, i saw him looking at me from the corner of my eye. i turned to look at him and he smiled at me with full cheeks. at that moment, i wanted so badly to tell him about 1st grade. to ask if he remembered. to see if he was surprised or indifferent.

but i didn't have the courage and so just finished my pancake, hugged and thanked him and drove back home.

i don't need you to save me

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 22:24:19 GMT

there's nothing to save me over. i'm not falling. i'm not lost. and even if i was, i don't want your help. my "hurt," as you call it, isn't tangible so you can't put some fucking bandage on it. it's not something you can mitigate with compliments or promises of "i'd treat you better." it's not what i need or want. i'm not tragic. just because you've caught me crying all those times doesn't mean i'm tragic. it just means i'm a fucking baby and i need to get over it. these tears aren't real. don't worry. they're just leftovers from the times i had to hold them in. these don't mean anything. just plain leftovers. they're empty and no longer relevant.

i never see the blue hour, anymore. i blame you.

my bag

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 06:58:44 GMT

creepy baby dolls

my stuff jammed inside

1st row: wallet, coin purse, cigarettes
2nd row: baby powder, ipod, leftover whiskey, powder and phone, coin purse, moleskine, keys and moist wipes
3rd row: letter from josh davis and pencil box

josh s. gave this to me a long time ago! i really cherish it. that's josh and me from 2 years ago. jeez!

i don't even smoke these, much. the packaging was extremely pretty, so i got it :/

close up of the moleskine. dylan got it for me last year for the 20th anniversary of my birth. i love it. and my cool pencil case! i got it at life plaza with josh s. a long time ago.

if any of you guys have pictures of what's inside your purse, you should show me.

i fucking miss

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:54:19 GMT

making lemon bars! and cookies and cake pops and muffins and scones!
i stopped looking at baking blogs for a while, because they made me depressed because i couldn't bake as much. but lately, i've been looking at them again and there are amazing things for me to try.

like

pie pops (via bakerella)

and petit fours (via bakerella)

gingerbread cakes! (via veganyumyum)

i wanna make crepe cakes and mochi and unusual flavored muffins and scones.
also, it'd be even nicer to have someone to bake with. or just to share these things with. whenever i bake things, i don't usually eat much of it myself. i can't see myself bringing it the people at the house in LA. i'd feel weird going, "i brought pumpkin cranberry walnut flavored tea cakes!!!..."

merrier by the flip of my wrist

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:01:09 GMT

last night, i went out with josh shiau. we got coffee at starbucks, because it was the only place opened at 11. the place was crowded, so he opened the trunk of his car and we sat in it. though i'm not sure we'd done it before, i felt like we'd done this so much in the past few years we've known each other, even though i rarely get to see him. but i find myself talking comfortably to him and this doesn't happen very much. then we went to his boss's restaurant because his friend was supposed to spin. there was a weird guy there, drunk and incoherent and maybe didn't know how to speak english at all. but he was lifting up his shirt and kept on slapping his stomach. we went along with it. i nodded my head and smiled. i think i told him, "yeah, you're very skinny," because it seemed to be what he was trying to imply by the way he was sucking in his stomach. but then things got out of hand because he was getting too close and was drooling and got some onto my shorts.
i got a "korean kiss," which was cranberry and some sake infused with something that i can't remember, but it was good. josh and i spent most of our time in the smoking area, which looked indoors, but it was roofless. we talked for the longest time and i'm never surprised about that. it upsets me because most of the people i truly do get along with and truly genuinely like and admire are the ones i rarely ever get to see.
but the night was good. i got back and crashed and had a dream about the past. that's all.